Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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