Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize