I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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