I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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