I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
