I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
