weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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