Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
