my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
