Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
