Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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