I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
