i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
two words...techno handjob
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
