I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
