Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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