Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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