she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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