He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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