The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
