if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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