My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
