Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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