I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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