Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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