Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
third nipple confirmed
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
