You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
