Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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