life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
