i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
