I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
