tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
