oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize