Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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