my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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