im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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