I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
