I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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