i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
