Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
