He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
