I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
