Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
