a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
