I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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