i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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