i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
