Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
