i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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