Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
