neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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