Me. At least after what I've been through.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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