textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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