there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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