i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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