girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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