She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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