"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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