Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
